My friend pointed out to me an interesting thought. What if I eat fast food and crap because "it's just what I do?" Not because it really tastes good. Not because it makes me feel good. But, purely because it's who I am. I don't know who I am if I don't eat what I am driven to eat. I know this sounds ridiculous but it makes perfect sense to me. My family, my co-workers, my friends, and you the reader ALL expect me to eat poorly. I am almost defined by it. It is a weird thing to think about, huh? It could be food or any other drug. To truly look inward at oneself and see the raw truth of who I am is scary as hell. What am I avoiding by continuing to take part in these habits. What sort of success is hiding beyond these thick walls that I continue to build with fury and vigor? Am I scared of success? All I do know is I have an addictive personality. I live and breath adrenaline at my job. I would love to skydive. I yearn for excitement yet I need peace. I went to the cardiologist yesterday. He is a shoot from the hip guy. He reviewed my lipid panel results with me. He was concerned with my HDL being 26. This is the hardest one to budge. Exercise helps. He told me that my ten year risk assessment was pretty ominous looking. Ten years. That is a short trip. That is an hour's drive. "It'll never happen to me." "Tomorrow, I will do better." Pretty soon, tomorrow becomes 45 and the damage is done. Death. Or worse-in a nursing home with a facial droop and saliva dripping from my mouth....a fate worse than death. I must break free but I don't know how. This rut is becoming more comfortable and tolerable as the days pass.
Hungry
14 comments:
You big f'ing pussy! I've been reading your crap since you began your so called journey and have seen you go from a overweight, unhealthy,out of shape guy who could not even do a single pull up, to an overweight, unhealthy, out of shape loser! Nice journey. I'm sorry about the loser label but can't think of another. This blog would be so much better if it showed a young man becoming a healthy individual that set an example for his family. All this whining about not being able to stop these habits is bullshit. You sit at your computer and read the comments from these big pussies that tell you to keep trying because it is soooooo hard to break these eating habits and soooooo hard to workout on a regular basis. Bullshit! These people make me want to throw up. Our society continues to search for that one drug that will make us not overeat and make us look like a movie star. Get off your fat lazy ass and make the final decision to be a healthy dad, husband, son, brother and friend!
Is it addiction or just habit? I don't know. All I know is that once I got in the habit of not eating crap, I realized I didn't miss it as much as I thought. I even realized I didn't really like the taste of some of the greasy crap all that much. I really realized it didn't make me as happy as I thought it did.
I'm not saying I don't backslide into bad old ways when things get rough, but it's not as hard to get back on track as it used to be. I wish I had the answers. I just say it's a process. Keep at it. Don't berate yourself for backsliding to the point that you say "F it" and give up. Try your best to look at each "mistake" as a way to learn why you did it and try to avoid it next time.
BTW, you CAN raise your HDL. I only bring this up because I think if you know it's possible to do, it gives you reason to try! Mine was as low as 42. Now it's 56. No drugs. Working out (the 56 was even post-shoulder injury so less active than I had been). More fruits and veggies. Homemade granola (oatmeal, almonds, walnuts, SmartBalance oil, honey), yogurt, and berries most nights for supper at work. Less fried crap.
Good luck. Just keep trying to break out of the rut a little at a time. Who the hell cares what everyone else expects of you. They'll get used to the new you.
HUNGRY, HUNGRY, HUNGRY. YOU KNOW WHAT IS WHAT.YOU ARE ADDICTED TO FOOD.IT'S COMFORTING AND UNCONDITIONAL.I HAVE DONE ALOT OF READING ON THE SUBJECT, TRUST ME. YOU ARE TRYING TO SATISFY SOMETHING THAT'S MISSING OR NOT RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE. WHEN WE EAT,IT'S PLEASURABLE,IT CAUSES A RELEASE OF NEUROTRANSMITTERS WHICH RESULTS IN A ADDICTIVE "HIGH" NOT UNLIKE THOSE EXPERIENCED THROUGH DRUG USAGE, & A RELEASE FROM PSYCHOLOGICAL STRESS. READ ABOUT IT. IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE, IT'S WHAT YOU'VE BECOME. FOOD ADDICTION IS NOT LIKE OTHER ADDICTIONS WHERE YOU CAN SIMPLY AVOID THE SUBSTANCE, WE NEED FOOD TO SURVIVE. WHAT A BITCH.. KEEP AN OPEN HEART. PEACE
BTW, I think anonymous that left the big f'ing pussy comment is a bigger f'ing pussy cause they wont NUT UP and leave their name...
I was looking at your diet and the pictures and man; that is some of the most unappetizing crap I've seen. And all that diet soda? Blech. I really think your problem is with your diet. How to you expect to be motivated or have the energy to exercise when your body isn't getting any proper nutrients? It just doesn't make sense.
If you want to eat and not feel guilty about eating, change what you eat and start with some whole grains and trash all that processed shit you are subsisting on. And for the love of god, back away from the diet soda and go see a nutritionist who deals with eating disorder patients. You need some positive reinforcement and guidelines that won't make you feel like you are starving yourself.
It's time you stopped bashing yourself over the head for your eating habits; all you are doing is saying to yourself, "I can eat whatever I want as long as I hate myself in the morning."
That's no way to go through your increasingly shortened life.
Chuckle. I get everyone's point.
I think part of the problem is your trying to make a 180 change all at one time. As a result you can't commit to anything and you backslide.
I've done that. You think you SHOULD be able to do something, so you hit it hard. Trouble is, its hard to change a life time of behavior at one fell swoop.
Make small goals Hungry- Go to the gym. Don't commit to how long you're there or what you do, just get in the door. Go for a walk- don't commit to running 4 miles, just start walking. You start with small goals, and I guarantee you'll exceed them.
Don't require that you eat every meal perfectly- start with 1 or 2 perfect meals a day, maybe when you're busy. I notice when I'm bored I munch more.
If you want the burger or ribs or pizza- fine. Nothing wrong with that. Just commit to once a week. Or twice a week.
Small goals.
Oh, and if the small goal solution doesn't work, pay attention to Annonymous at the top. That'll slap you back into place. Chuckle.
Agree with Fordo, small goals.
That plus considering overeaters anonymous or some peer support group that helps you look at feelings as well as food.
But I am a psychiatrist so am biased ...
This is not as easy as, "Just do it."
But one step at a time my friend.
Personally I go on and off the wagon every few months.
I pat myself on the back for the times on the wagon.
And I tell myself, "Tomorrow is another day," when I am off the wagon.
Please discontinue the music. It really bugs.
Sometimes changing up the exercise routine can work--do something different--go swimming, biking, speed clean your house, walk/jog at a different park. I am highly sedentary because of disability (I use a scooter and may have to move to a wheelchair). Yet I do get myself moving--I was told I would never walk if I got my scooter, and yet I do. My chief concern is what being sedentary will do to my cardiac condition. So whenever I can, I do more--because of remission of pain this weekend, I did 5 hours of housework. Yes, my muscles feel it badly, but I'm grateful for that! If I can do push myself, you can do it. I'm hoping to be able to do more over this week while I'm able to.
We are unemployed and we no longer get fast food at all, ever. We spend about $100 a week on groceries for a family of 4, and we eat well. No restaurants. 30 days can change your life--and you can make some of the same food at home for far fewer calories. If you want a burger, 90% lean ground beef, skip the fries. Go read some of the foodie blogs--I like Gluten Free Girl since I'm not eating wheat. It's not about deprivation--it's about what you *can* eat. I mean it--go read her blog. Not eating fast food doesn't mean deprivation. It means opening up a world of food you've never eaten before. This means menu planning ahead of time, including some easy selections for the evenings when you're tired or cooking more on the weekends and getting it into the freezer.
You might look at Gina Kolata's book on weight too, but healthier choices can help. Also, is it possible you could have any allergies? I always craved food as soon as I ate any wheat during the day. No wheat, no craving.
P.S.--disability is not a fate worse than death. Although maybe you mean a point where people have little ability to understand and participate/communicate, death as far as I can tell would be worse than facial droop and drooling--though I can see nursing homes rather than home health could push people to despair.
This song is cheesy as hell, but I hope it cheers you up some. You can do this, Hungry.
WV is "exesser." LOL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6v_gOmVJ4I
You can go the distance.
Hungry-
Brother, you need to decide that you are willing to make a change. In the spirit of 12 step programs you first admit that you have a problem and then turn your fate over to a higher power. For some that is higher being called Jesus. Others have their own Gods. Anyways, I think if you seriously believe that you are addicted to food you need to take part in a specialized food 12 step program. Maybe the 12 step program at your place of employment can even help.
This is a no joke message to you. Get help for yourself, or just quit blogging about it!!
Good luck and Godbless.
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