My friend pointed out to me an interesting thought. What if I eat fast food and crap because "it's just what I do?" Not because it really tastes good. Not because it makes me feel good. But, purely because it's who I am. I don't know who I am if I don't eat what I am driven to eat. I know this sounds ridiculous but it makes perfect sense to me. My family, my co-workers, my friends, and you the reader ALL expect me to eat poorly. I am almost defined by it. It is a weird thing to think about, huh? It could be food or any other drug. To truly look inward at oneself and see the raw truth of who I am is scary as hell. What am I avoiding by continuing to take part in these habits. What sort of success is hiding beyond these thick walls that I continue to build with fury and vigor? Am I scared of success? All I do know is I have an addictive personality. I live and breath adrenaline at my job. I would love to skydive. I yearn for excitement yet I need peace. I went to the cardiologist yesterday. He is a shoot from the hip guy. He reviewed my lipid panel results with me. He was concerned with my HDL being 26. This is the hardest one to budge. Exercise helps. He told me that my ten year risk assessment was pretty ominous looking. Ten years. That is a short trip. That is an hour's drive. "It'll never happen to me." "Tomorrow, I will do better." Pretty soon, tomorrow becomes 45 and the damage is done. Death. Or worse-in a nursing home with a facial droop and saliva dripping from my mouth....a fate worse than death. I must break free but I don't know how. This rut is becoming more comfortable and tolerable as the days pass.